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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.